Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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