she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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