Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
