What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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