you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
