Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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