Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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