If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
