There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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