I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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