I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
