im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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