Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
