Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
