All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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