mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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