Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
