I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
