I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
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I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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