im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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