So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
