My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
