A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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