Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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