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I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
