My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
