if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
