I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
