I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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