Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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