Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
not ubering you a puppy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
