This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
