Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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