my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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