You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
