she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
