I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
