words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't deserve a penis
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
