I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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