hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
