I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
