Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
