This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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