Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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