just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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