u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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