if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
