This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
