My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
