I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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