I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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