there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
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..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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