just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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