saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
