He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We don't watch enough power rangers
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental