I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.