I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?