Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
